You're my best friend

Hello my Ellie,

It's odd to say that my baby who can't even fully talk yet is my best friend...but you are.  Your big sisters are my best friends too.  You three are the greatest friends I have.  

I spend all day with you.  I get to see all your firsts and new discoveries.  I get to be a part of every moment.  Also, you are the most responsive baby.  You completely get humor.  You are so goofy and make the most sneaky little expressions.  You know a lot more than you probably should at this age.  You crack me up constantly with just one word or sound or look.  

To be honest, there are things going on with my health that worries me, but being with you every day helps me to focus on the good and wonderful things in life.  To be thankful.  To realize how blessed I have been and am.  

You do that.  

You and your sisters give me so much purpose and joy.  Of course there are moments when you all stress me out.  That's just part of life and living with others.  Even so, there are way many more moments that are filled with laughter, joy, and love. 

Just today, you probably made me laugh at least a dozen times...maybe more.  Earlier today, you started crying after I tried to feed you one more bite of food from lunch.  You just had a major meltdown.  You were just crying and crying with snot and tears running down your face.  I held you in my lap facing me with my knees up behind you.  I stared at you crying and kept repeating, "Please calm down...calm down...I'll wait until you calm down."  Then, you huffed while crying and all the snot that was building up in your nose all came out all over your face and mine.  We both looked at one another a bit stunned and unsure of what to make of the situation.  There was a 2-second pause, and then we both cracked up.  We couldn't stop laughing.  The more you laughed, the more I did.  The more I laughed because of you, the more you'd laugh in return.  It went on for a few minutes.  I mean, these are the types of moments we have that just blow me away.  I can't believe how intricate of an interaction I'm having with my 13-month old.  You just make me laugh out loud constantly with your comedic timing and looks.  You do things and look at me in ways that I wouldn't expect from a one-year old. 

I know it's odd to say that your children are your best friends...sure, I can't really tell you all my deepest, darkest secrets and innermost thoughts.  You wouldn't understand it.  Even so, I spend the most time with you.  We laugh together.  We eat together.   We do everything together.  So yes, my girls, especially you lately [since I spend the most time with you], are my dearest and most cherished friends. 

I love you.

The world's worst napper

Haha~  That you are, my dear. 

You used to nap so well.  One 2-3 hour nap in the morning, a short 1 hour nap before going to get your big sisters from school, and then another short 1-2 hour nap before dinnertime. 

Lately, it's a miracle if you get one decent 1-2 hour nap in the entire day.  I keep you up there in your crib for hours while I do housework just so you could have some alone time and get some rest, but you mostly just play around with your blanket. 

It's absolutely nuts how you just can lay around in your crib for up to three hours without falling asleep.  I don't get it.  Both your sisters were great nappers until around 3 years old.  You JUST turned ONE and you're already seemingly giving up naps entirely. 

To be completely honest with you, it's really frustrating to see you on the monitor just rolling and playing around without any interest in falling asleep because I know you need the rest.  You're still so small and need the sleep to grow.  Also, it doesn't give me much peaceful time to get the house in order, cook, and do other things that I can only do when you're not around. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being with you.  It's just that you are so clingy at times and need me around every moment or you start fussing or get into mischief.  So, getting any real work done with you by my side is nearly impossible.  Also, you started this thing where you pull all the laundry down after I've folded it and put it on your head.  It's so adorable but not helpful in getting the task done.  Haha~

I love you.  There's no doubt about that.  I don't know how I would do without you.  You are such a firecracker, always yelling up a storm when you're excited or frustrated, and we call you our little monkey since you act like a cute silly one.  We all adore you so much and can't seem to get enough of you.

Oh, before I forget, you've been taking a few steps on your own here and there for over a month now, but just yesterday you took about 10-12 steps all the way to me from the couch.  You want nothing more than to walk endlessly with me holding just one of your hands (when I hold both I think it makes you feel like you're not in control so you get frustrated, haha).  Every time I want to sit and take a rest from walking, you just break down into tears while arching your back and crumbling to the floor.  You are truly one of a kind.  I can't wait to see and learn more of you with the days to come.

Happy FIRST birthday, our Ellie girl~!

My smiley little one,

Just a couple days ago you turned one. I cannot believe that you are already a whole year old.  It's been a whirlwind of a year.  Just adjusting to having a baby around the house again was a huge adjustment.  Also, your sisters had to really learn to be more gentle, quiet, and responsible in order to take care of you and make sure that you're safe.  It's still an ongoing process, but they are learning day by day.

Also, just yesterday we had your birthday party.  We invited all our friends and family, about 50-60 people, over to our home and celebrated your precious life and you turning ONE.  It was really stressful to get prepared.  Your grandma and grandpa flew in all the way from San Francisco days before the party to help with cleaning and prepping.  They did so much.  We all did.  There were moments when I wanted to give up because it seemed impossible to get done in time, but you were our motivation.  We would do anything for you and your sisters.  You are all such a blessing to your Daddy and I.

With becoming one, you have definitely upped your game.  You don't listen to me very well.  There are times when you do what I ask right away, like you're really great at handing things over to me when I ask you, "Give it to Mama", but most times you are running away from me and trying to do what you want to do instead.  You especially love the stairs.  You keep wanting to climb up and go upstairs.  You are very picky when it comes to eating.  You whine, throw your head back, squirm your body, flail your arms around, try to hit the food away, and sometimes even hit me in process just so you won't have to take another bite of something.  You much rather have your organic goat formula all day long.  I hope you'll come around to real food and start eating a more balanced diet.  I'll keep trying.

You say "hi" all the time now and started to blow kisses.  You still need work on being "gentle" since you like to hit things including your food, people, books, etc.  Haha~

You always jump up and down with overwhelming excitement and joy whenever I go in to get you up from a nap or in the morning after a long night's sleep.  Your soft and puffy hair bounces all over the place.  It's the cutest and most heartwarming thing.  Going to get you after a nap is one of my favorite things to do every day.

You laugh at so many things.  You laugh at voices I make.  You laugh at looks I give.  You laugh when I startle you.  You laugh when I swing you around.  You laugh when I tickle you.  You laugh when I chase you.  You just laugh all the time.

You also [finally] got your third tooth, but you haven't had any new teeth since 4 months old when the two middle bottom teeth sprouted out so you've been smiling with an underbite all this time.  It's the cutest thing in the world.  I know it's for the best, especially for your overall health and happiness, that you get your other teeth, but I am really going to miss when you stop smiling your goofy underbite smile.

You even started walking with help and taking a few steps on your own.  To be honest, I thought you'd be walking by ten or eleven months because your older sisters both were walking all by themselves around that time.  In a way, I'm thankful that you're developing a tad bit slower than your sisters in that area because it allows me to baby you for a bit longer.  I can't help it with you.  Daddy and my own parents (your grandparents) tell me all the time that I spoil you so much compared to your sisters at this age.  I have to admit that I do let you get away with a bit more than I would have allowed for them.  You will probably be our last baby.  That makes me cherish and baby you much more.  On top of that, you're so stinkin' cute! 

I pray that this coming year of life will continue to bring growth and health.  I pray that you would become more and more who God intends for you to be.  I pray that my love for you would be enough on the days when I may fail you in every other way.  I pray that you would continue to grow closer to your big sisters, that they would always watch out for you and adore you the way they do now.  I love you and am so thankful to God that you have been in our lives for a year. 

My sitting 8 month old

We've got a sitter, yes we do!  You've been sitting slanted to the side with one arm propping you up for nearly a month now, but you all of a sudden started sitting upright on your own today.  Once you did it, you kept doing it!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Now, you don't do the side sitting thing at all.  You go from crawling around (your adorable army crawl) to sitting up.  It's incredible.  I just can't get over how big you look now that I'm not sitting in back of you propping you up.  You're doing it all on your own!

Also, we got through another month of breastfeeding.  I had to supplement with organic formula for a feeding here and there, mostly the night feeding, but we did it!  Every day that passes by, then every week and month, I just am so amazed that we've made it this far.  I remember telling Daddy that I was going to go straight to formula from birth if we had any more babies after Alana.  Yet, when I held you in my arms and looked into that sweet face, it was just natural for me to want to provide the best for you as much as I could.  So, after much pain and daily struggles, we've made it to 8 months.  It may not seem like a whole lot to most but to me I am so thankful for that.  I'm so thankful that I got to give you the best nutrients for your first several months of life, especially the first half year when the breastmilk is the only source of nutrition you're getting.

You still don't eat a lot of solids but you do love eating your organic puffs.  Haha~  Even your older sisters love it.  They ask for some whenever I feed you it.

Also, you've talked and babbled a LOT since you were born, even at a couple of months old, but the word you've said most consistently and often is "Dada."  It does make me a little bit sad when all you say is Dada and hardly ever say Mama unless you're desperately crying, but I am truly happy that you love your daddy so much.  He adores you to pieces.  There are days when he gets home after a long day of work and can't hold you since he has to get things done around the house or take your sisters to their jiu jitsu class, and I see the aching in his eyes.  If it were up to him he would stay home and hold you all day long.  When he does get the chance to hold you, all he can do is laugh at every little thing you do and stare.

I spend all day with you and I still can't get enough of you.  I play with you, read to you, and try to take all of you in.  I know you're going to grow up so unbelievably fast...I'm really trying to savor each little moment.  You're so tall and big.  I can barely hold you nowadays without feeling shooting pain in my wrists and arms.  Haha~  A lot of people say you look a year old already.  You really do.  The clothes you wear is mostly for 12-18 months and your hair is so long now, with your bangs going into your eyes.

I can't wait to see what this coming month has in store for us.  I wonder what you'll learn in the days to come.

First tooth is finally OUT!

You've been teething for months now.  Drooling like a leaking faucet.  Extra fussy probably from the discomfort and pain.  Waking up many times during naps and your nighttime.  Clamping down on my shoulder and collarbone to ease the pressure.

The other night, I could see the little ridges of your tooth wanting to poke through the gums.  I almost thought it had already cut through.  Then, this morning as I looked at your adorable face and talked to you as I usually do every day, you smiled at me [as you always do] and I saw it.  A tiny white tooth with a tiny drop of dried blood next to it on your gums.  I can't believe you got your first tooth.  Just in time for your upcoming 6 months birthday in a couple of weeks.

I've been able to nurse you all this time miraculously.  My goal was one month.  Then, two.  Then, three.  Then, possibly four.  I thought for sure it was just wishful thinking.  Then, we hit four.  Then, FIVE.  Now, we are only a couple of weeks away from hitting SIX.  My ultimate goal was to get to six months since they say that's usually the time when the baby gets the maximum benefits of the mommy's antibodies and nutrients in the first half year.  So, we are so close.

With your new little tooth [and many more to come, I'm sure], you'll probably be eating solids and drinking water in no time.  My milk will become less and less something you desire.  I'll let you lead the way.  I love you so much and can't believe how quickly you're growing up.  It blows me away that it's already been nearly half of a whole year!!  It doesn't feel like it.  I feel like you're still so much my newborn little baby.  At the same time, you're such a huge part of my life, our lives, that it feels like you've been here forever.

You bring me so much fatigue (haha), but even more joy and happiness.  Your smile can heal all things.

5 months you are

Oh Ellie,

We made it to 5 months this past Monday (the 15th).  I can't believe I'm still breastfeeding you.  Every day, every week, every month I feel so blessed to have been able to provide the best for you.  I feed you every 2-3 hours all throughout the day and every 3-4 hours at night.  With each feeding, I feel so thankful that I was able to make enough.

It's been a hard month.  You are cutting your first tooth.  I can see the white coming through your gums.  Any day now it'll poke out of your gums.  That has caused you to become really fussy in the past few weeks.  You've been crying more than ever.  You've been waking up many times at night yelling for me.  You started this really loud yelling thing that's kind of embarrassing.  Haha~

Kaia and Alana never yelled like that before.  It's definitely a first for me.  You seem to get really angry about something and then start yelling really loud and forcefully.  It's so loud that I have to constantly leave places to not be disruptive when we're out somewhere.  Even so, I love you so much.  I adore every part of you, even the seemingly sinful parts.  Haha~

I have a feeling you're going to be quite a handful as you grow up.  So far, you are the most headstrong and aggressive of all.  I pray that we would be able to guide you to channel that passion into something good.

I'm also praying that we make it to 6 months of breastfeeding.  By then, we can hopefully start feeding you some solids so you won't need as much breastmilk.  I'm so excited.  You've been eyeing us whenever we eat and moving your mouth while drooling.  I'm sure you want to eat so badly.  We just have to wait for you to be able to sit up on your own.  I can't wait!

Drool all over

Oh my Ellie,

I haven't been in the right mind to blog to you lately.  It's been a busy month full of nursing struggles, teething woes, and tons of firsts.  You've learned and master flipping over onto your tummy.  You've even started to do it at night and during your naps just a few days ago.  You don't know exactly how to turn back over but you're a pro at flipping over.  Haha~  It's incredibly cute how you just roll over and then your fluffy hair pops up as your head goes up.

Every time you cry as you wake and I walk over to say hi to you, your face lights up and you give me the warmest and biggest smile ever.  It melts me through and through.

You're starting to learn to crawl as well.  You pummel your face into the ground and push with your little feet while you lift your bum into the air.  Everything you do is so incredibly adorable.

Sadly, I'm not always making enough milk so you cry from not being full lately.  It breaks my heart.  We've tried various bottles and you've rejected all of them.  There is one you've taken a time or two, but you still give me a hard time to take just a couple of ounces of milk.  I'm praying that you take to it soon before I completely am unable to make milk.  Either that, or I pray that God would provide me with enough to keep going for many more months.

Also, you've started teething pretty badly.  You drool like a faucet and are much fussier than you've ever been, probably from the discomfort and pain.  I just purchased some amber necklaces and bracelets online so I'm hoping it'll relieve some of that soon.

I can't believe you're already over four months old.  That's nuts to me.  It feels like I just gave birth to you.  Somehow four months have flown by.  I know that in a blink of an eye you'll already be nearing your first year birthday.  After that, it'll just continue to go by faster and faster.  I look at your big sisters and realize that this baby stage is such a short and sweet time to be savored as much as possible because you'll never be able to get it back.

Even when you're crying, as hard it is to see and hear you unhappy or in pain, I can't stop staring at your adorable face.

I love you to pieces.  I make all kinds of noises, faces, and literally jump through hoops to make you smile or laugh all day long.  I've carried you for over an hour at times to calm you when you have a lot of gas or are inconsolable for whatever reason.  Even with my arms throbbing and becoming numb, as long as I can bring you some sort of comfort or ease any of your pain, I happily hold you for as long as you need me to.

I can't wait for you to continue to learn and grow.  You're absolutely beautiful.