My very first entry to you

Hello my Ellie,

You are just a little over three weeks old now.  I can't believe it's already been a month since you've entered our lives.

It's been a struggle from the get go.  Labor and delivery was the most intense and insane ordeal.  I was in more pain than I thought was humanly possible.

These past few weeks, nursing you has been a huge struggle.  At first, I was so engorged that you were having the hardest time latching on.  You tore me up and I was in tears at every feeding.  I was making way too much milk for you to handle.  Then, as my body got more used to your feeding patterns, it started to slow down.  Some days, I don't seem to make enough and you cry out of frustration and hunger.  Other days, I make too much and make you choke.  It never seems to be just right.  I pray that I would be able to provide for you longer than this month.  If God has it that I can't make enough to take care of you, I'll have to be flexible and look for the healthiest formula to feed you.  I made the mistake of not giving into formula with your sister, Alana, even though she always seemed hungry even after a feeding for nearly ten months.  Once we switched to formula, she slept so well and was a much happier baby.  I don't want to do that to you.  So yes, we will keep trying this nursing thing but once it takes away from your quality of life I will have to throw in the towel.  I love you too much to watch you go hungry.

Being a mom for the third time around has taught me to be much more laid back.  I cried and freaked out with every little thing with Kaia.  With Alana, although I wasn't as afraid of everything we had just moved from SD to Oahu, we were living with your grandparents and had no personal space, AND we were renovating an entire home, which took up any free time we had.  So, it was definitely a very stressful time.

This time around, although we are living with your grandma, she's respected our time as a family.  Also, your sisters a great help in taking care of you.  Whenever you need a diaper change, Kaia is the first to jump up and pick you up to change you.  It's actually really sweet how much she loves taking care of you and holding you.  Alana isn't as big as Kaia so she can't hold you as easily but she constantly tries to get some cuddle time with you as well.

Everyone loves spending time with you even if you're sleeping or fussing most of the time.

With each passing day, you get more and more adorable, lovely, and wonderful.  I cannot wait to hear more coos, see more smiles, and interact with you.  Right now, you look around a lot and fuss for milk when you're awake.  In a few months, I'm sure you'll be reacting to everything we say and do and laughing at things.  Sigh~  It's going to be such bliss to hear a huge chuckle for the first time.

You may do things earlier since you opened your eyes just seconds after coming out of my womb.  It was incredible.  You were trying to look around and see what all the noise and commotion was.  Daddy got it on video so I've been watching it over and over again.

In less than a week you will have been in our lives for a month.  You are truly my sunshine.  Even though I am in pain, exhausted, and stressed from not being able to produce enough milk for you at times, I look at you and all of that just melts away.  You're here.  After a long 7-8 months of wondering about you, you're here in my arms.  I am so blessed.  I love you more than you'll ever know.  Even before I knew how you looked, who you were, I loved you.  The moment I felt a flutter in my tummy and I found out I was pregnant with you, I loved you.  I love you, Ellie.